Finding out you are going to have a baby, as either a man or a woman, is a momentous time.
The social norm is accepted that you wait until 12 weeks before making any announcements. This is said to be done to correlate with the rapid decline in statistical miscarriage. However, is this correct and is it the best way to deal with the joy, fear and potentially heartache of early stage pregnancy?
However, before we go any further let’s make one thing clear; when you want to wait until is entirely up to you, be it earlier or later. There should be no apology for being excited about pregnancy, nor for waiting to tell people. It is entirely up to you when you wish to announce.
The history of waiting is one which actually predates recent medical advances, with the advent of prenatal testing in the early 20th century or the obstetric ultrasounds from the 1970s onwards. Before these advances in medical science, women would become aware of pregnancy after missing several periods but would usually wait until the first signs of foetal movement, the quickening, before announcing their news. Whilst this usually occurs later than 12 weeks, around 20-22 weeks, it can happen as early as 13 weeks. Historically this could be in part attributed to the lack of any medical science to confirm early stage pregnancy before the quickening. But the tradition of waiting is very much culturally ingrained and not just for the reasons of confirmation. The taboo of losing a baby is one which is formed not just from actual risk but also due to a desire to hide the event. Losing a baby during pregnancy was seen as a judgement upon the mother and could even be used as grounds for divorce or separation. The patriarchy of earlier societies also required that women should deal with these feminine issues behind closed doors. Even today miscarriage is met with questions of wrongdoing and feelings of blame and shame.
So, what are the statistics for miscarriage. These obviously differ country to country and are averages based on a range of factors for each individual. Around 80% of miscarriages occur in the first trimester with around 25% of pregnancies ending in miscarriage. These percentages are difficult to know with accuracy as most of these miscarriages occur before the pregnancy is known at the first missed period.
The risks then decrease as the pregnancy progresses over time. Again, judging these decreases is difficult, with result of differing studies showing differing decrease rates. We can probably put them in a range of between 12-10 percent at 6 weeks, 5-1.5 percent at 8 weeks and between under 2 percent to under 1 percent at 12 weeks. Whilst these risks are real it may be more reassuring to state them the other way around. At 6 weeks the risk of NOT miscarrying is 90% and at 8 weeks may be as high as 98.5%.
Yet the risk of miscarriage does exist. And those experiencing it are expected to do so in silence. Let us look at why hiding it or at least waiting until its risk is reduced is may not be in the best interests for parents.
The first trimester of pregnancy can be hard. Rapid changes due to hormones, mood swings, food aversions, mental stress, worry, morning sickness (which can manifest itself all day), dehydration, extreme fatigue and exhaustion to name just a few. There is likely to be something to worry about at all times, yet it is expected that the cause is kept quiet. Many now advocate letting an employer know, though still suggesting this should be done quietly. But having support at work or at home could be a lifesaver. Even when it is not active support but just some understanding it can make things so much better. Perhaps it’s crazy but I would like to think that most people if they knew would be more accommodating, if not positively supportive. In todays modern societies, people have less close-knit communities around them and being able to build that support network and gain insight, knowledge and encouragement as early as possible can be invaluable.
While we have shown that the risk of miscarriage may be less than you thought, the risk remains and the reality is that it does happen.
One of the biggest fears of announcing a pregnancy earlier seems to be the idea of “untelling” people that they are pregnant. As if the discomfort of somebody knowing that you lost a baby somehow outweighs losing the baby itself. Like understanding the hardship of the first trimester, so to should people be understanding and supportive in miscarriage. It may come as a surprise to learn how many people have been through this experience and had to suffer in silence. Having support from friends, understanding at work and sharing with those who have suffered the same can be comforting. Grieving for a lost baby, at any stage, is important and should be respected. Just as we said for hoping that people would be accommodating if they know there is a pregnancy so too, I would hope that if people know of a miscarriage, they would be supportive. To be any less is definitely a judgement on them rather than a sign that you overshared. It appears that we feel that people should and will be understanding when they know but for some reason people still feel like it shouldn’t be shared. The social stigma of sharing difficult things is rightfully being challenged and the traditional stiff upper lip is thankfully being shown to be unhelpful and outdated for all genders.
There should be no hard rule for when people announce a pregnancy. For some they cannot wait to tell everyone, sharing in their excitement. For others they may wish to wait longer, keeping a personal event more private. However, it should not be dictated by the fear of miscarriage, especially the fear of others knowing. Breaking down a taboo of losing a baby in silence and getting the support that may be needed is an important step. Just as it is not acceptable any more that pregnant women are kept out of sight to deal with “female” issues on their own, so it should not be acceptable that losing a baby be something dealt with in silence and behind closed doors.